Tryouts: It’s Not the End of the World

By Dan Bauer

For athletes across the state the falling of the leaves signifies the onset of the winter sports season. The start of a new season complete with optimism, the old lockeroom banter and of course the dreaded tryouts. All of this enthusiasm is tempered with thoughts of timing drills, clipboards, less than perfect evaluators, unfair coaches and waiting for “the list” to be posted. Sometimes the players are even worried. While tryouts are stressful for players, they are the equivalent of public speaking for many parents.

First, let’s establish the fact that there is no perfect system when it comes to conducting tryouts. Pick any criteria you want objective or subjective or a combination of both and there will be room for debate and controversy. For those who are searching for that perfect system, you will have better luck finding an honest politician. It doesn’t exist. That being said, kudos to those individuals who take the time to construct, conduct and critique this difficult & thankless process.

Unfortunately, our tryout anxiety usually begins and ends with unrealistic expectations. As parents we like to impose our expectations upon our sons and daughters. The reality is that our rose colored glasses have often distorted the reality of the situation. That isn’t anything to be ashamed of or apologize for, it is simply the reality of being a parent. You see, when you spend the entire tryout watching your kid, it is no surprise when you come to the conclusion that they are the best player out there. You haven’t seen anybody else play!

If you take the time to talk to your athlete prior to the season and ask them what their expectations are, and then listen, you may eliminate most of your tryout trauma. Ask them why they are playing and what their perfect season would look like. It might have more to do with the quality & frequency of post-game treats and which friends make the team than wins & loses. Most kids really do know where they stand, in spite of their parents. Problems occur and cultivate when your expectations and your athletes don’t match. While we always want to encourage them to set their goals high, those goals must also be realistic. So what do you do when your expectations don’t match? You drop yours and accept theirs. End of discussion.

As a parent you must turn over ownership of this athletic experience to your kids. Their success or failure is theirs, not yours. Your job is to support them and provide encouragement.

Permission to digress for a moment. Does a 7 year old really need a parent waiting with a Gatorade after a 45 minute practice? Do 7 year olds even have electrolytes?

Don’t try to solve all of their problems and smooth every bump in the road. Take the spotlight off of your child and put it on the team. Take the bulls-eye off the coach and allow them do their job. Step back and accept your role as a fan. In athletics we have only four roles to choose from at a game; player, coach, fan and official. No matter whom you are, you only get to select one.

As a dad and a coach I have been on both sides of this emotional issue. I was cut as a freshman, watched my son not make the A team as a pee wee, endured through my daughter being cut as a sophomore and have sat in many rooms deciding who makes “the list”. When things don’t turn out, it is never an easy situation. I cried back in 1972 and I have watched too many players do the same. It is a gut-wrenching feeling that simply hurts. But I am here to tell you that it isn’t the end of the world. We are fortunate to learn that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Easy advice to give, but infinitely more difficult to follow. If not making the ‘A’ team is the worst thing that ever happens to you, consider yourself blessed. In the grand agenda of life, tryouts are no more than an asterisk.

As one door closes, another opens. When I was cut as a freshman… it was from the basketball team. I never played the game again, but I did turn my efforts to another game. A game that has since allowed me to experience things, meet people and achieve goals I never thought were possible. My son, he survived too. He turned that pee wee season into a positive, confidence building experience that I believe was the first stepping stone to achieving his dream of playing college hockey. And my daughter, she went through her traumatic tryout experience in a strange town, staying with a family she had never met before. She proved a lot in that short week about her courage and determination and is a better person today because of it. She hasn’t played competitive volleyball since, but still has a fond spot in her heart for the game. That fondness was rekindled this year as she took on her first coaching job with a 6th grade volleyball team. Next year she will pursue her college education thanks in part to a wealth of academic scholarship opportunities. She, I am happy to report, also survived. For this Dad, two down, three to go.

Every cloud truly does have a silver lining; the trick is it is up to you to find it. Wasting a season being upset and disappointed won’t solve anything. Carrying on about emotional scars and broken self-confidence will only provide your athlete with a built in excuse. If you are too talented to be on that ‘C’ team, prove it! Wayne Gretzky scored 382 goals one season, perhaps he should have been on a better team, but he turned out ok. And if you make the ‘A’ team accept the challenge. So whatever designation your son or daughter comes home with, be excited, be positive and support the decision. And if that door gets closed altogether, help them find another door to open.

I have always learned more from failure and defeat than from success and winning. They are, however, realities that depend upon each other. Neither can exist alone. Athletics has permanently linked them together, yet somehow separated them by a line so fine it is sometimes indistinguishable. From the ashes of loss rise the successes of the future while the glory of winning often spawns the overconfidence of future failure. It is a relationship that would confuse Freud. Success is not a destination and failure isn’t final, unless of course you don’t get up and try, one more time.