When it Comes to Parents and Athletics, Sometimes Less is More

By Dan Bauer

I recently spent some time reminiscing with my parents following too much Thanksgiving turkey and pie. The memories of my days as a youth and high school athlete have faded faster than the Vikings run at the North Division title. While my best memories come from places like Kenyon’s Pond, a neighbor’s backyard and hoop hanging on our garage, I did play my share of organized sports. Granted, organized had a whole different meaning back then. It meant a coach, probably just one, practice, games and a uniform. There were no team jackets, t-shirts, position coaches, names on uniforms, Gatorade and if you played on the road it was a yellow school bus, no matter where you were going. And at practice, it was you, your teammates and the coach. Nobody was there to watch.

My mom confirmed what I had already suspected, they (my parents) never saw me play in high school, and weren’t real sure about how much they had seen at the youth level either. By today’s standards my parent’s would be considered the worse. The drive by parents who drop the kids off and pick ‘em up. They would be scorned by most parents. Times have certainly changed.

The love affair I developed with sports and coaching is a direct result of my belief that everything I accomplished was all mine. I had total ownership over my successes and my mistakes. While my other two brothers played some sports, their passions were music and the outdoors. Mine was sports, it defined me. I don’t ever remember being upset that my parents weren’t there watching. I don’t remember thinking there was anything wrong with it. I do remember the joy of going to practice and to play games. The autonomy my parents gave me wasn’t premeditated or intentional. Athletics did not hold the grip on society that it holds today. And while we all dreamed about being the next Bart Starr, our parents seemed to know better. We had a better grasp on reality back then. My athletic life wasn’t the focus of our family like it is with many families today.

It was, however, the focus of my life. I once passed up the chance to meet Mickey Mantle because I didn’t want to miss a hockey practice. While my high school sweet-heart was being crowned at school for some sort of winter queen, I was playing pick-up hockey at the rink. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t work out. It wasn’t until I had a couple of kids to feed that I finally realized going to work was more important than going to play. My passion for sports and coaching in particular has always been a driving force for me.

In the Lombardi era, coaches taught us about character. The difference between right and wrong was clear and so were the consequences. There were no battles to be fought with coaches, because what they said was law and not up for discussion. If you didn’t like the coach it was ok, because loyalty was in style and playing anywhere else was unfathomable. Good character was everywhere, on television, in the news and at home around the kitchen table. Moms stayed home and Dads worked harder so they could. Making a home and making a living took precedent over watching a game. Life was less complicated. One car, one television, one telephone attached to the wall and one set of values that governed a nation.

It is a whole new ball game today. The majority of parents are highly involved in their kid’s sports lives. I can include myself in that group. Not a bad thing as long as that involvement is confined to encouragement and support. When it spills over into interference, problem solving for the athletes and second guessing coaches the problems begin. Ninety-five percent of the parents I deal with every year are great. But that five percent, those squeaky wheels, sure give parents as a whole a black eye. That is an unfortunate reality of today’s sports scene and the out of bounds involvement by a few parents.

Bruce Brown, who has produced a video every parent should see, says kids need time and space after a game and not interrogation from coaches and parents. Maybe that is another reason why my athletic experience was so enjoyable. I never got grilled on the way home, never had to re-hash every game and explain every mistake. My parents were happy with just finding out the score. The fact that they weren’t there watching my practices and games didn’t scar me for life. So if you miss a game, I’m here to tell you that your son or daughter will survive. They might even enjoy the experience. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

My parents are the two most influential people in my life. My mom taught me about patience, that it doesn’t take any more effort to be nice than nasty and that coming home to a mom after school was about the best gift I ever received as a child. My Dad taught me that the only thing more important than the Packer game on Sunday was going to church first. He never said we should pray for them specifically, but I figured that was implied. He taught me that no job is governed by a clock and you do what it takes, no matter how long, to get it done right. There is pride in a job done well & anything less than your best effort is unacceptable.

I do believe that sports, actually coaches, can build character. But I know the character I have is a direct result of my parents. The example they set, the home they provided and the advice they supplied have made me who I am today. They accomplished that without watching a single game. They taught me that who you are and what you stand for are more valuable than how much money you make. All these years I thought my involvement in sports had taught me all these great lessons. Now as age 40 fades away along with my hair, hearing & eyesight I find the only redeeming quality of aging is wisdom. I now realize it wasn’t sports that built my character, it was my parents.

To obtain a copy of Bruce Brown’s video: www.coacheschoice.com
Search Bruce Brown. The Role of Parents in Athletics.